The basic tenet is a change in attitude and the way you see life.
In the past, whatever I wanted, I bought.
Each time I purchased something, the fast food high was getting shorter and shorter.
To keep up that continual high, I kept buying, trying to make those feelings last longer.
It was a vicious catch-22.
One day, I just stopped and analyzed my habits
I was walking home from a client site to my hotel, and my mind started wandering back to my budgeting sheet.
I had been tracking my daily expenses, and trying to figure out what I spent each month.
And the numbers and just the sheer amount of expenditures was shocking.
It was the trigger that my mind finally used to connect that I was showing signs of unhappiness by wanting to fill that empty void with stuff.
I knew that I was buying items that I didn’t need, just because I created a need in my head, and thought I was fulfilling that to create the perfect life.
There’s no such thing as a perfect life.
You know how people say:
- If I earned $10,000 more, I’d be happy and life would be perfect.
- If I bought that red coat, I’d be happy and life would be perfect.
- If I went on that vacation to Cuba, I’d be happy and life would be perfect.
- If I could just clear my debt, I’d be happy and life would be perfect.
The first thing I struggled to grasp was that there was no such thing as a perfect happy life with the perfectly decorated home, and the perfect wardrobe.
Every time I bought something I thought I wanted/needed, I had a new list of stuff cropping up to replace it.
When does it stop?
There are always going to be problems, pain and sadness.
But now, instead of covering those emotions with purchases, I found dealing with the emotion itself was more fulfilling.
It takes effort to really scrutinize yourself, and to find the triggers in your life that cause unhappiness.
It isn’t easy to be objective about yourself.
I found a lot of excuses about why I did what I did.
Why I purchased things I didn’t really want or need, and justifying my purchases.
But instead of beating myself up of my past mistakes, I cleaned the slate and started anew.
The first thing, was to figure out the unhappy areas of my life.
It didn’t have to be anything serious, but just things that made me sad or upset each time I thought about it.
I needed to look for the triggers of that sadness.
One of those areas, was family.
I was trying too hard to change them, and ONLY just recently, after 6 years, I’ve only just understood the situation.
I realized that the trigger with my family, was hearing the complaints, and then feeling frustrated that they wouldn’t do anything about it.
My new rule was that they had a right to let out the frustrations and complaints, but if they weren’t willing to listen to what I was going to say, then I didn’t want to hear their complaints.
And I’ve been pretty blunt with that lately, having let them steamroll over me for so long, out of a sense of filial guilt.
If they aren’t ready to make changes, then I am just wasting my breath trying to help them.
It still sorts of frustrates me thinking about it, but then I just tell myself:
Hey, they chose to do that.
No one forced them into those decisions.
And while they may complain about it, they’re still doing it.
So I just have to assume that they’re actually happy, because why would you do something that makes you unhappy?
Now I use that same methodology for everything
The second area was my job.
And I came to that solution/revelation a lot sooner than with my family.
I went over all the scenarios: the boss, the manager, co-workers, the actual tasks themselves.
Then figured out a way to cope with it, or change it.
I realized it was the bosses/managers and the company itself that I detested with their sly, sneaky tricks, and I just couldn’t work with such liars.
But I really loved my job, and the tasks involved.
So I reviewed my options for what I could do without working for such a company.
And left just as soon as I had enough experience in my area to become my own boss.
And now…?
I am still working towards this new attitude in life.
It isn’t a deadline or a project, and it gets easier with practice and time, once it becomes a habit.
I’m working on not putting so much emphasis on stuff, which has started to become a natural attitude and feeling just in the past year.
When I see something I want, I think: Do I really want that? Or do I want it because I’m bored?
I am focusing on getting the best from my life, emotionally.
It’s hard to explain, but for instance, I am making peace with my family’s unusual behaviour and actions (BF has confirmed my feelings and validated that I am not weird or wrong for believing what I do about my family.)
I can’t control everything, and letting go of that control is helpful.
Sometimes it’s best just to let them go and remember that they are HAPPY doing what they’re doing, not unhappy — because if they weren’t happy, they’d stop.
I want to live in the moment, not in the future.
I am focusing on what I want first, and then figuring out what I need to do to get it.
For example, I may want to retire early, and I am not planning on living it up with champagne and strawberries in retirement, so I may not need as much as I originally thought.
Yes, I want to be safe and conservative, but now I can tell myself: Who cares? Go on that vacation to Europe for a month — seriously, it’s what you’ve wanted for a while, and FORGET about the money you could be earning and saving for that month.
Money isn’t everything! And living in the moment now, rather than excessively worrying about the future is what I am focusing on.
Hasina
on Mar 5th, 2010
@ 5:40 pm:
Reading you is like reading about my own life! I think that happiness is a state of mind and people who don't get that will never be happy – no matter their lifestyle or bank account balance. Once I realized that I create my own happiness inside of me and that my happiness doesn't/shouldn't depend on external variables (ie things I buy/own, people who compliment me, etc.), I was able to let go of a lot of things. Of course, there are things that make our life more pleasant, like art, design, a nice living environment, a nice wardrobe or a vacation in an exotic country, but they're just the proverbial cherry on the sundae.
Meg
on Mar 5th, 2010
@ 8:04 pm:
Thank you thank you thank you for this post.
I feel like you wrote this about me :}
I completely agree with everything that you've said. I personally am learning to budget and deal with some debt caused by years of trying to stop my sadness with clothing and shoes and bags. I think that I realized what a problem it was when my best friend and favorite shopping partner in crime complained about her massive credit card debt and sent me a link to a $500 pocket book in the same email. I realized the hypocrisy and pointlessness. Yes, it's on sale now but there will always be something else that you want and $500 is enough to buy a plane ticket for goodness sake!
I think that after discontinuing my reckless spending habits, I've become a happier, more accepting person. I'm surrounded by overspenders and it makes me sorry for them because they're also some of the most unhappy people I know. As you said, I try to help but they just keep doing the same thing and wondering why it's not working. Not my problem anymore. I'm the only one whose happiness I can control. And I can't buy happiness.
Thanks again!!
xoMeg
me in millions
on Mar 6th, 2010
@ 12:13 am:
Amen!
Alex
on Mar 6th, 2010
@ 11:33 pm:
I have been reading you for weeks, and it's the first time I post. I used to be the same way until I switched to a simple life about a year ago. I used to buy a lot of things to fill in unhappiness. Then suddenly I felt like those things didn't give me happiness, that giving them away and selling them did. Now I have an apartment just with my essential things.
But you know what happened next? I began to fill my life with commitments and scheduled myself to see a ton of movies and books to read to fill in those same gaps! I then had to decide what were the important things I truly wanted to see and read, got them done and now finally I am in a state of relative happiness, living life in the moment.. not in the future and not in the past.
And, I have saved thousands of dollars, so much I am going to start traveling to the places I want to go to as soon as I get my vacation time.
Thanks for all your great words everyday!
Rose
on Mar 8th, 2010
@ 1:09 am:
+1 on "years of trying to stop my sadness with clothing and shoes and bags". It's amazing when you get to the point of realising you're still unhappy, even with all the possessions in the world. I'm happier now than I have ever been and have the least amount of stuff. Coincidence? I don't think so…
lala2074
on Mar 8th, 2010
@ 1:15 am:
You are very wise, Everyday Minimalist!
I wish that I had worked out what you have already when I was in my twenties!
But better late than never!
Non Consumer Girl
Linh
on Mar 8th, 2010
@ 1:38 am:
Great post – this really hit home. I can totally relate to everything you wrote about – the unhappiness and the "perfect wardrobe" which requires constant spending…
I just started a clothing spending ban last week and this is a great reality check!
Loving Heart
on Mar 8th, 2010
@ 4:31 am:
This came in the time that I needed it most. Thank you for sharing your thoughts especially about your family. We love them too much that is why we try so hard to give them what we think its best but in the end. What's best for them is to experience the mistakes that they made and learned, grow and to be a stronger person. So thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us. “I always tell my little girl mistakes are lessons to be learned, once you learned them you will know better as a person.” Yes and shopping is also my therapy but I am changing that. Reading blogs like yours is truly a big help. Keep it up… :-0)
ZamoraSusana
on Mar 11th, 2010
@ 2:20 am:
Lots of specialists say that personal loans aid a lot of people to live the way they want, because they are able to feel free to buy necessary things. Moreover, some banks give auto loan for different classes of people.
CarneyBrigitte21
on Mar 11th, 2010
@ 2:34 am:
People deserve wealthy life time and personal loans or just sba loan can make it better. Just because freedom is based on money.