Why I dislike gifts and gifting
I have had so many homemade things given to me like iPod cosies, joke magnets, candles, cheap things for the kitchen that I don’t use but looked ‘cute’, Dollar store tools that ended up breaking after one use.
Don’t get me wrong. I loved the thought that went into the gift. I mean, heck, at least they thought of me to buy that $1 sushi magnet.
But while their hearts were definitely in the right, sweet places, it has caused me to develop a strong aversion to gifts and gifting for five reasons:
- It cluttered my home
- I felt guilty for wanting to toss it
- I don’t like people wasting their cash, even if it was just $1
- It causes more waste for the environment
- I hate the hidden costs in a gift (even a great gift like an iPod is not just the iPod, people!)
How to deal with the guilt of wanting to toss it
This is a big one for me. I usually just take a picture or scan it into my computer, and breathe a sigh of relief.
And when I look at a picture of the little drunken stuffed Leprechaun, I will smile without having to physically touch it to drudge up the memories.
You can also reason that if you kept every gift everyone ever gave you, you’d need to buy a second home, and no one wants to go bankrupt.
Right?
You can imagine that someone else would get a kick out of it.
And we just love to pass on the love here.
What to do with a gift you don’t really want to keep
- Change it
- Donate it
- Re-gift it (fraught with nasty complications)
- Toss it
Change it
Is it something you’d never wear in a bajillion years?
If you cannot bear to get rid of it (believe me, I know guilt), then make something out of it.
Like adding it as a patch to your patchwork quilt. Or cutting out the most memorable piece and framing it.
Or if it’s a necklace, rip it apart and make a new one out of it.
Maybe it just needs a little sanding and a paint job. Or a total makeover with wallpaper.
Be creative.
Donate it
If it’s a useful gift, but you just have too many of them, or it’s just one too many frog statues, donate the suckers and get crackin’ on a plan to stop that person from buying you frog statues in the future.
Re-Gift it *PROCEED WITH CAUTION*
But if you want to re-gift from your uncle to your co-workers? Go ahead if they are never likely to cross paths.
First, it must not smell and be decent to re-gift.
Don’t laugh.
True story: I once received a sweater from a very chic boutique that clearly had dementia when they designed their sweater line.
Not only was it a strange and hideous pattern which was NOT anyone’s style, it was scratchy and uncomfortable, and it stank of mothballs.
I couldn’t even breathe around it, it was so stinky.
It was clearly a re-gift, but a very poor one at that. I could smell the mothballs all over it.
Second, don’t lie.
If your conscience weighs heavily on you (as it does on mine), say: “I received this lovely gift, but it’s just not my style. However, I immediately thought of you. Would you like it?”
(But make sure it really is their style before saying that)
Don’t gush and tell them how long it took for you to find that gift, when it didn’t. Even worse, that they find out later it was a re-gift.
Some people don’t take it lightly.
Third, don’t re-gift to people who are sensitive.
As mentioned above, some people take gifting VERY seriously. For those people, please don’t insult them by re-gifting.
Fourth, try and re-gift to groups who don’t hang out together.
Got a gift from a co-worker and you want to give it to another co-worker? No can do. Off limits.
No re-gifting allowed within the same group.
Even if the re-giftee LOVED the gift, they may gush about it at work and thank you again, which will cause your other co-worker to quirk an eyebrow at you, with a slight furrow of the brow.
I would suggest re-gifting it in a tact and diplomatic manner, and above all.. HONEST.
Toss it
Close one eye and throw it away if you really, really, really think you can get away with it.
If anyone asks, you’ll have to think quick on your feet.
It’s good practice.
How to deal with gifting in the future
Be Gentle.
1. Make a big deal about something else.
Make a big deal about how you love simple coffee & cake dates over ANY gift anyone could ever give you.
Gush about how connecting with the person is really more important than stuff.
Wave your hands crazily and say you’ve gone minimalist. That one tends to scare them off.
2. Stop giving gifts and take them out instead.
(Even useful ones to people). Take them out to eat instead and they may respond in kind.
This is a big success with me.
3. Stop mentioning that you collect spoons or anything similar.
Stop mentioning you collect things.
Unless it’s money. Just kidding. Sort of.
Once people hear you have a spoon fetish, you will have spoons gifted to you for Every. Single. Occasion.
OR if you must mention your antique spoon collection, mention which ones in particular would make you happy.
Be specific, and don’t say “Oh I just collect spoons.” Talk about what kind of spoons you collect — antique ones — not ones stolen from Denny’s.
4. Start mentioning that you’ve stopped collecting spoons or anything similar.
Start saying how you have so many spoons, you’ve started to donate or give them away to other people’s collections.
They’ll get the hint. Trust me.
Now, you should be able to at the very least, stop the cycle of bad gifts by gently veering them off into another direction with hints.
Lelah
on Oct 22nd, 2009
@ 10:43 am:
Fantastic post! Gifts are tricky because you have to balance the good intention of the giver with the reality of keeping the item around. I like your suggestions for letting them go, especially changing the gift into something you do use or like and also simply tossing it. Taking a picture first is a good plan. Thanks!
Lelah´s last blog ..Change and organizing
That Kind of Girl
on Oct 22nd, 2009
@ 12:23 pm:
Posts like this are exactly why I adore your blog! This is the only good, practical guide to re-gifting I’ve ever read! And I love (and would never have thought of) just being up-front with someone about the fact that something is a regift. Maybe this wouldn’t occur to me because I’m kind of a compulsive liar in awkward social situations…?
I try to only exchange gifts with my very close friends, who always have a nice trick of knowing what things I actually, actively need but either can’t get my butt in gear to buy, or else would probably cheap out on even though I deserve something nicer quality. Once my friends got over the weirdness of my really, really wanting indulgently functional gifts (flipflops I never take off but didn’t want to splash out $40 for, monogrammed cocktail glasses for my many bar nights, a lovely filing cabinet for all my tax crap, etc.), I think our gift-giving relationships really improved.
For random people and those far-off relatives, I always mention that I’d prefer a gift certificate to Amazon dot com and I’m sorry, but I’d really rather they not pick me out a book on their own, because I buy them so fast I don’t know what I’ll already own by then! Then I send a thank-you note letting them know what books I’ve bought and how much I’ve enjoyed them. I’ve found that tends to stave off terrible “decorative” gifts or, worse, lovingly picked books that I’d rather stab myself than actually read.
That Kind of Girl´s last blog ..The Kind of Girl Who … has hair so greasy you can fry bacon in it (TMI Thursday)
Concojones
on Oct 22nd, 2009
@ 12:40 pm:
My first thought when seeing this post: “great topic!”. Taking people out to eat is a great tip.
Tip of my own: when organizing a dinner party or so, tell people to bring a dessert or something. No need to bring a gift.
Non Consumer Girl
on Oct 23rd, 2009
@ 5:49 pm:
Great post!
In my year of buying nothing new, I have rethought my gift giving, and am giving experiences instead, like theatre tickets, taking friend or relative out to lunch or dinner, and even guitar lessons.
I just had my birthday, and I received theatre tickets to go out to the theatre last night to see Mamma Mia! One of the best birthday presents I received!
Kahnrad
on Oct 23rd, 2009
@ 6:20 pm:
Awesome, awesome, awesome!
Over the years, I have also gone down a very similar path. Prior to 2009, I had been somewhat effectively weaning people from giving me anything but uber-practical gifts. Whenever anyone asks what I “want”, I request a small box of disposable dusting cloths. While I receive blank stares and often a chuckle, I remind them that 1) they asked, and 2) it really is something I can use.
A practical gift is so much more valuable to me than the frivolity of a sushi magnet (I got one too…)
2009 has been the year of removing all clutter from my life, and I’ve insisted on absolutely no gifts this year, but an email or social network site post is welcome!
Great post. Thank you for sharing this!
Kahnrad´s last blog ..Open During Remodel
Festival of Frugality #201 – Life Stages & Home Ownership Lesson Edition
on Oct 27th, 2009
@ 5:02 am:
[...] Everyday Minimalist presents How to deal with and stop bad gifts posted at The Everyday Minimalist. Matthew Paulson presents Cash for Appliances is Coming – [...]
LC
on Nov 23rd, 2009
@ 11:07 pm:
I have an aunt who used to give us little inexpensive gifts because gift giving was her way of showing love. I told her that I appreciated that she was thinking of me and told her that gifts that I can use up work best for me. Last Christmas she gave me a nice assortment of post-its. This was the perfect gift for me because I love making lists. She got my husband a nice bottle of red wine. We appreciated them so much. Simple is so good.
JEM
on Jan 19th, 2010
@ 10:51 pm:
What happens when I say you don't collect anything and your MIL says horrified "You don't collect anything?!?!? Well we will have to start a collection for you!"
I have gotten muscial snow globes every year since I got married for every occasion! My husband and I have politely said that they are not really our thing and we have to many now already….she will not stop! I wish I said I collected something useful now instead of saying nothing….grrrrrr!